5 Things Teen Boys Need From Their Mom
Teen Boys Need Their Mom
Raising Teen Boys is Foreign To Us.
Let’s admit it, raising teens is foreign ground to us. One day they are sitting on our lap telling us about the mean kid on the playground, their kindergarten crush, and excusing the reason they peed out their window was to water the flowers below. And what seems like the very next day it’s suddenly “totally cringe” talking to their mom about personal things, emotions, or *gasp* girls!
These teen years just crept up on us and now we are smack dab right in the middle of them and from one day to the other it’s like the communication door just slammed closed. Regardless of all the years we spent preparing for open communication, something happens when they hit 13 that makes them feel like sharing a conversation with their mom is just not what a teen boy should be doing. So we tend to just chalk it up to "Well I guess that’s it, my boys just don’t want to have a relationship with mom anymore." Here is the surprising news…THEY DO! Boys still need their moms…JUST DIFFERENTLY!
There is nothing I want more from my teenage boy than a hug when he walks in the door followed by him spilling the good, bad and the beautiful about his day.
I want to know what girl he is interested in and if he did well in soccer practice. I want him to get excited when I tell him what’s for dinner and for him to ask me to play a game when I am done vacuuming.
But he is different now. He is growing up and he needs me to grow with him. Yes, with him. He still needs me to mother, just mother differently now.
So what exactly do teen boys need from their Mom?
Here are just 5 things Teen Boys need from their Mom:
They Need Distance, Not Dismissal
They need to know mom IS interested in them but will give them space to share when they feel safe doing so.
So let's talk about creating a safe place for our sons to open up to us. A place they don’t feel pressured to pour their heart out but an environment that would foster that type of conversation. Have a coffee date but, for goodness sake, please don’t call it a date. They don’t even have to know it was planned. I love to surprise my kids and just stop at Starbucks, go inside and order, and sit at a table as we sip our fraps.
Okay, my son guzzles. I sip.
It’s amazing what conversations just sitting with nothing else preoccupying either one of you will spark. Sometimes my son just tells me about what he learned in History that really interested him that day. Sometimes he will share with me a goofy thing his brother did in youth group that I hadn’t heard before. And other times we have had really meaningful conversations that were actually brought up by him. Sometimes it just takes time with them away from distracting disruptions.
They Need You To Be Interested In Their Interests
My son loves board games, and I don’t mean Trouble or Mousetrap. I mean the kind of board games that take days to finish. The kind that comes with a book labeled “directions.” The kind that makes your brain hurt.
My other son loves guns and hunting and all things outdoors.
The 3rd boy enjoys riding his bike and skateboarding.
And yes, they all love video games.
I don’t think any of them would take me up on a shopping day at the mall or a trip to the library to get our favorite books so we could enjoy a quiet day sipping tea and exchanging the dynamics of our new novels.
I’ll never forget when I agreed to play air-soft in the field behind the RV when we were full-time RV-ers (read more about that on my blog under Tiny Life Chronicles). Air-soft, if you aren’t familiar with it is basically plastic bbs. My boys asked me to play. I didn’t want to. First off, I had just found out I was pregnant with my fourth boy. They didn’t know yet, but I was queasy nonetheless. We spent an hour loading the guns and getting dressed in the right apparel. We went out and I spent the next hour running, sweating, and getting pelting with tiny hard plastic balls that left me with a fat lip and welts. But my boys loved it. They told dad all about it when he got home and gave us something to laugh at and talk about for days after.
You won’t always feel like picking up the video game controller, opening the board game box and listening to a day’s worth of directions, or learning how to sight in a gun; but your boys will see a mom who is being intentional about spending time with them. How does that help with communication? The more you invest in their lives the more they will feel you would be interested in their lives.
They Just Need You To Listen
We want to solve every problem. After all, that is what we have been doing for the past 13 years!
Our kids are going to have bad days.
They need to talk to someone. Someone who will just listen. Someone who says “that must have been really frustrating.” Someone who asks, “So, how did you deal with that person?” Someone who comforts with words like, “I am so sorry you had to deal with that.” On the rare occasion they ask what you would do, go ahead mom, spill those beans of advice. But know that really they are just wanting you to listen.
Haven’t you ever felt that way? You go to your husband for a listening ear and he just tells you what you should do to fix it. Is that what you wanted? No, you already know what you should do or should have done. You just wanted to talk, to vent. You just wanted support and a listening ear. Your kids need that too. Isn’t that why we tend to flock to therapists? We want a listening ear and someone to ask… ”How did that make you feel?”
Be your kid's therapist…listen and support. You can even lead them to the proper perspective without TELLING them how to solve their issues. It’s a learning curve to get there. But unless we start listening they will stop talking. “Facts!” As my kids would say.
They Need Affirmation
They may not act as though they need or love it but they still thrive on your words of affirmation. They love for you to be wowed by their accomplishments.
No one should be more impressed by your kid's report card, basketball game, or skateboard trick than you, mom.
My 9-year-old recently told me he wanted to try out for America's got talent. He wanted to do a stand-up comedy act. To be honest, no one besides his mother would get a laugh out of what he was doing. Being supportive doesn’t mean encouraging things that shouldn’t be encouraged or not speaking up when you think your kid is making bad decisions or in my case would probably just embarrass himself. So, at the risk of hurting my son’s feelings, I told him that I think he is funny but others may not get that humor. If that is really something he is passionate about we should look into classes and with some good guidance I could see that would be something he would be really good at but in time.
But I am sure there is something to praise your teens with every day!
Do they tackle homework right after school?
Did they put their dishes away after dinner?
Did they work hard at baseball practice?
Did you see them react with kindness to their nagging little brother?
Let them know you are proud of them!
They Need Your Acceptance
Your kids will fail.
They will mess up.
I am sure you are well aware of that by now. But so do we and when we mess up and admit it the worse thing the offended person could do is continue to hang our offense over our heads. Our kids want our forgiveness. They also want you to support the independent decisions they are beginning to make. Saying things like “I am really proud of you for thinking that situation through and making that hard decision” or “that isn’t necessarily the decision I would have made but I love how you made that decision for yourself and didn’t let your friends influence you.”
You don’t always have to be your teen's guardrails. Lessons are learned both by staying on the path and diving head-first into the ditch. Of course, we worked hard to instill wise decision-making up until this point. Of course, we still need to often help our teens see the consequences of any anticipated behavior. They aren’t adults yet. But accepting the growing independent spirit in your teenager will nurture a confident man!
It’s easy to feel like your teenage boys just don’t need you anymore. They are way too cool for that! But you will always play an integral role in their lives. Underneath all those new muscles is your not-so-little boy who still needs his mom as he did before, just differently!
